Caring v Carrying

Understand your role as the supporter of grief. These boundaries are not black and white. There are times to step in and help and times to step back and wait. Ask yourself who has the ultimate responsibility for this task or decision?  Offer help but allow the mourner to grow into their new responsibilities.  You might say:  "I am willing to help you donate your husband's clothes, but you are best person to make decisions on that."   Or  "I know calling their place of business and finalizing all the paperwork will be a big task, I am willing to be on a phonecall with you while we sort it all out." 

CARING entails displays of kindness and concern.  Being affectionate and sympathetic.  Providing emotional support to others as well as practical help. This implies being understanding and patient as the mourner decides his/her own path to transformation and healing. 

CARRYING entails supporting the weight of something or someone.  Conveying or transporting.  This can suggest taking possession or control of things.  In this situation it implies taking too much responsibility for the mourner's path to healing.  

SIGNS OF CARING                                                            SIGNS OF CARRYING

Making space to listen and offer suggestions.                   Solving all the problems without reference to mourner.

Caring about the outcome.                                                 Being responsible for the outcome.

Walking alongside them as they navigate path.                 Taking the lead on the steps and direction to take. 

Taking part in solutions.                                                     Feeling accountable for the solution.

Empowering.                                                                        Micromanaging.

Mourner is making his/her own choices.                             Making decisions without reference to others. 

Aware of boundaries and careful about using them.           Forcing results of your own expectations. 

Allowing mourner to experience pain without need            Feeling need to immediately fix any pain.

   to fix the pain.

Allowing mourner to struggle with decisions and                Cushioning mourner from all decisions and new

   new experiences.                                                               realities of his/her situation.